In Which Abner Van Slyk Finally Shows Up
by Typical Fangirl
Summary: This is not Abner's finest hour. He is well aware of that. But since when do vampires have this many friends? Slight crack, wild theories, implied slash, naughty language.


So, um, my friend and I decided to write this late last night instead of sleeping. It's...a little cracky. But it's good crack? We hope? (Please don't kill us for our stupidity. D:)

* * *

Abner Van Slyk was a vampire hunter. That's what he was here to do. But things weren't really going his way today.

For one, this vampire would not stop WHINING.

"God, this just isn't my day," the dark-haired man bitched. "The fuck is wrong with my life?"

Abner pressed the barrel of his pistol into the vampire's back.

"Just shut up for one second, you fucking pussy. What kind of vampire are you anyway? Bitching about everything..."

"I- I'm MY kind! Jesus fucking Christ, you're worse than Worth!" He narrowed his eyes. "Look. I would rather not die- undie- whatever, especially tonight. So kindly go screw."

Abner just glared at the back of the man's head. Not that the vampire could even see him but, the glare helped him calm down enough to pull the gun away for a second. Make the vampire more comfortable so this would go easier.

"Who's Worth? And I think it's my decision whether or not you die. I have the gun."

"Worth's this- he's a dick. He's cruel and dirty and frankly really frightening. And yeah, oh, scary gun. I'm gonna go now." The vampire moved to walk around Abner.

Abner was almost surprised. For such a failure of a vampire this kid had balls. The hunter practically let him walk away. Before he remembered he was hunting this little fucker. He was the scum of the earth. So he grabbed the back of his collar and leaned down to his ear.

"You're not getting away that easily, vamp-boy."

The vampire tensed, but managed to raise an eyebrow. "W-well, vamp-boy's better than fagarella. Fair enough. You're better than Worth. Slightly." He gazed upwards for a brief moment. "You know what? No one's gonna care if you kill me. Go on."

This actually shocked Abner. The kid said no one would care if he died... No one? That was actually sort of sad. Even for a dirty vampire.

"No one? What about this Worth person you keep mentioning? They're obviously of some importance if you keep bringing them up..."

The vampire flushed. "Worth means nothing to me. He is terrible. So fuck him. Go ahead and shoot me or stake me or whatever the fuck you want. I don't care."

The vampire blushed. Never in all his years of hunting had a vampire fucking blushed while there was a gun in play. Nor had a vampire been willing to go without a fight. This was new.

He stepped back and frowned at the dark haired man.

"Why?"

"What did I just say? No one else is gonna care, so why should I?" He swallowed and tried to look brave. "So either let me go or kill me. I don't care either way."

"Well," a new, younger voice said from behind Abner, "I kinda do, and so does Rodney here, so I think maybe you shouldn't die."

Abner was once again caught off guard. None of this was supposed to happen during a hunt. It was supposed to be quick, clean and easy. Some fighting from the vampire, sure. But no complete acceptance of death. And the worst part was someone else finding him during a kill. That had NEVER happened and Abner had prided himself on it.

The hunter whirled around, gun held near his hip. He was met with a short red head who looked to be 12 and a much taller man. Who looked... green. With glowing orange eyes. A zombie. Great.

"So yeah," the red-head continued cheerfully. "We would really like it if you didn't kill our friend here. I mean, he's never even killed anyone. He punches Worth a lot, but plenty of people do that. I think I kinda lost count somewhere around twenty-three- and that's SEPARATE people, not even individual punches I've seen." He blinked. "Uh. Oh, yeah; the point is, please go away before we get physical." He smiled like he was a little kid getting a good grade on their report card.

Abner just gawked. This kid sure acted like a 12 year old. But he had to be older, right? And before we get physical? The kid was nearly a foot shorter than him, both his friends were undead and HE WAS THE ONE WITH THE FUCKING GUN. What was this?

"I'm going to kill your 'friend' here if I want to. He's a vampire. Vampires are abominations. AND I'm the one with the gun. You're just a preteen ginger boy with some undead friends."

The boy's face suddenly grew very dark. "I'm twenty-four." Abner could hear the acid coating his words. "And I think you're underestimating me." A marker was pulled from his pocket. "This is my last request. Go. The fuck. Away."

Abner laughed at this. 24? And a magic marker? What was this kid on?

"A marker? You think a marker is going to scare me when I have 2 perfectly working GLOCKS in my belt?" He just grinned at the boy. It was funny really.

The boy scowled, but he shrugged. "Suit yourself, I guess. Mitchell? Wanna help out?"

"Gladly," the zombie intoned at last.

And Abner wasn't sure when, exactly, he started hand-to-hand combat with the corpse, but it happened and it wasn't easy. For one, his mind retched at the very IDEA of touching a rotting body. They simply weren't hygienic, and that was why they were supposed to stay in the ground.

The zombie (he nearly dry heaved at the WORD) was stronger than he looked. Stronger than he should be, he was DEAD. He shouldn't be able to do this. But Abner still fought. He would just have to remember to scrub himself extra tonight to make up for this disgusting altercation.

The ginger just watched them and DREW on himself. What kind of partner was he to let his friend fight while he did something like that.

And then, because this night was going so very well, why couldn't it just get better, Abner was punched in the back of the head. No, really. Punched. In the back. Of the head.

Who DID that sort of thing?

Apparently, angry, pussy vampires did. "Don't touch them!" he snapped, though there was a nervous waver to his voice. It was like he was unsure of just where this new trick would land him, and he was beginning to realize that he actually CARED about the results.

Abner didn't know where to focus his attacks now. He was being hit from both sides and neither seemed like an easy win. So he continued with the zombie hoping the whiny vampire would just STOP.

As was plain to even the casual, mentally-deficient observer, this was not Abner's finest hour. This was supposed to be an easy kill. Instead, he had a crazy ginger and a zombie HELPING this- this PUSSY of a vampire.

"Th' fuck is this."

The low, accented, and slightly drunken voice came from the vampire's side of the fray (if it could even be called that). The fighting slowed so Abner could see a tall, skinny, and incredibly DIRTY man in a fur-collared coat staring at them. "Fuckin' hell," the man muttered. "I go for a fuckin' walk an' I find this bitchfest. Fan-fuckin-tastic."

Abner was nearly ready to just walk away. 4 against 1 wasn't looking so good right about now. But he STILL had his guns. And Para-Para. He could win.

"Great. Who the FUCK are you? Yet another one of your friends, vamp-boy?"

The vampire blushed a bit and the dirty, blond man walked closer, looking to be part of the scuffle.

"Oh, I think 'm more than a friend, hey, Connie?" the skeevy man laughed. The battle seemed to have frozen completely as the newcomer sauntered up to "Connie" and rested his head on his shoulder. "Much more. Hm?"

"Sh-shut up, Worth," the vampire hissed, blushing furiously.

Ah. So this was the famous Worth. Abner knew it had been a bluff; the man clearly meant something to "Connie", and it wasn't something Abner really cared to dwell on. "I swear, this fight is just getting more and more idiotic. A VAMPIRE can't have this many friends."

Worth and "Connie" continued bickering like an old married couple. Abner ignored them. But the little ginger butted in about the friends comment.

"Of course he has friends. Because he's not just a VAMPIRE. He's CONRAD. He has a fucking name you douche! He's not a creature, he's more human than you seem right now."

The small boy was standing now, marker still uncapped, but now it was in his pocket. And he was COVERED in scribbles.

"The fuck... what are those?" Abner clearly meant the drawings all over the little boy's arms.

The corner of the boy's mouth twitched into a smile. "They're runes. They're pretty awesome. They help out when I kick your ass. So yeah, now might be the time to..." He trailed off, and his smirk grew into a genuine grin. "Oh. My. God."

Abner glanced down. Paradox was poking his head out of his pocket, blinking curiously at the scene around him. He made a quiet "dook" sound before scurrying out of the pocket and onto Abner's shoulder.

Abner absentmindedly patted the ferret on the head. The small ginger was making odd noises that sounded like "Gnee" or something. Whatever. Everyone seemed to have stopped everything they were doing just to look at Paradox. What was so odd about a ferret in his pocket? Seriously, these guys were the oddest bunch he'd ever had the AMAZING opportunity to meet.

"You have a ferret!" the red-head proclaimed happily. "He's adorable~!"

"A ferret? Really?" Conrad said, an eyebrow raised. "You go around, toting your guns, and you have a ferret in your pocket?"

Abner gently pulled Para off his shoulder and plopped him back into his pocket. Less distraction that way.

"Yes, I have a ferret. Is there a problem with that, vampire? I'm not the one with a questionable relationship with such a dirty man." Abner was looking straight at Worth's arm looped around Conrad's shoulders. Conrad jumped away from the blond and glared at the hunter.

"I am surrounded by dicks," Conrad said. "I am literally surrounded by dicks."

Everyone ignored Conrad. Nothing new there.

The ginger beamed at Abner. "I bet you're really a nice guy. Bad people don't have cute pets. They've got angry, mean pets, like rabid Rottweilers. You have a ferret! Gnee!"

Abner again just looked at the ginger, perplexed by his mood swings. This kid MUST be on drugs.

"Para-Para probably wouldn't appreciate you calling him cute. He is very vicious when provoked."

"PARA-PARA? THAT'S THE CUTEST NAME EVER!"

The ginger looked ready to explode.

Worth, meanwhile, was laughing his ass off. Abner decided to ignore him.

As if on cue, Paradox climbed out of the pocket again. This time, he daintily bounced across the ground, careful to not touch it any more than necessary, and climbed onto Hanna's shoulder. Abner didn't think it was possible for the boy to look happier.

Abner practically growled. Paradox NEVER jumped on anyone else's shoulder. Never. This day was just getting odder.

"What the...?" The hunter was looking at the ferret with a frown. He felt betrayed in a sense.

The small ginger however just kept making that odd, sickening noise. And he was PETTING Para-Para.

"I think he likes me!" the ginger squealed. "This is great! Animals usually hate me!" He continued petting Paradox, who looked perfectly happy to sit on a stranger's shoulder. "My dad loved ferrets. Did you know that they're, like, crazy clean?"

Abner really couldn't believe it. HIS Paradox was actually warming up to someone else. Paradox who was usually so wary of others. And this kid was bringing up his father. And a fact that Abner was already perfectly aware of.

"Yes, I knew that. I have him for that exact reason."

"Cool! You are so much like my dad. He was kind of a douche, but he was really nice too. He taught me about ghosts and stuff." The ginger extended a marker-covered hand. "I'm Hanna! What's your name?"

Holy. Fucking. Shit. Abner stumbled backwards. It couldn't be. No chance. But... what other little ginger boys in the world had the name Hanna? And had a dad just like him...

Abner cleared his throat before actually extending his hand, which he NEVER did. But if this really was his... son, he would make an exception.

"I am Abner Van Slyk. Vampire hunter."

Abner frowned at the small ginger.

But he let Hanna continue with this little idea that of course this man in front of him wasn't his dad despite all these glaring similarities.

"Wow," Hanna gasped. "Abner was my dad's name! And we have pretty much the same job, but you're a lot meaner about it."

"Yes, Hanna, we do have quite similar jobs."

He stopped yet again, letting Hanna have a second to put 2 and 2 together. He didn't.

"Do you see something odd about all these similarities between your father and I?"

Hanna thought long and hard. "Uh. You have red hair, you like paranormal things, ferrets, and you're both named Abner." His smile wavered. "I'm missing something, aren't I?"

Abner nearly slapped himself in the face. He looked around quickly at Hanna's friends. They were all snickering slightly. They seemed to know that this was something that Hanna did. It almost hurt Abner to think that he didn't know this about his own son. But he let the boy have a few more seconds to deduce what was going on.

"Oh. Oh my God." The realization on Hanna's face was apparent. Abner tensed, wondering what kind of emotional reaction this would bring. "Are you my dad's clone?"

The entire group groaned and Hanna looked around, still confused. If they were all honest with themselves, it was a really good possibility in their world. But Hanna was just completely missing the point. Again. For the 5,789,743,872nd time.

Abner wanted to yell, "YOU FUCKING MORON, I'M YOUR FUCKING FATHER, ARE YOU THAT STUPID, YOU GET THIS FROM YOUR MOTHER YOU KNOW." Instead, he took a deep breath and said, "No, Hanna. I AM your father."

Hanna nearly doubled over laughing. Abner had expected something other than that. Something more like a hug. Or tears maybe? But no, Hanna was giggling.

"You just made a Star Wars reference!"

This kid was ridiculous.

Abner let him calm down before looking at him expectantly. He may have even had a hint of a smile on his face.

"So, wait," Hanna breathed, not entirely recovered from his gigglefest. "You- you really are my dad?"

"Y'know," Worth said in the background, "we could probably leave."

"I think Amber or whatever would notice," Conrad replied.

"Yes, Hanna. I really am."

Hanna let out the most high-pitched, girlish squeal Abner had ever heard in his life. The next thing he knew, he was being hugged with more force than he thought was possible from such a small man. "This is great! Oh my God, I have a dad again!"

"Never mind," Conrad said. "They wouldn't notice at all."

Conrad and Worth crept off, possibly hand-in-hand, not that they would admit it.

Abner awkwardly patted Hanna on the back before really realizing that he was holding his son. The one who he thought he had lost. And he REALLY hugged him.

And Conrad and Worth were right, Abner and Hanna didn't notice them leave.

But Galahad still stood there, watching the touching moment with a rare smile.

"This is great," Hanna said softly. "Oh my God, yeah, this is awesome."

Abner smiled. "I have to agree."

There was a long, comfortable silence. Then Hanna said: "Wanna catch a movie?"

Abner continued his smile. It'd been so long since he'd seen a movie. Even longer since he'd seen his son.

This night had done a heel face turn and it was amazing.

"Yes, Hanna, I'd love to catch a movie."

Then he noticed the zombie still standing there.

"But what about your... friend?"

"Oh." Hanna raised his voice. "Caesar! Wanna go see a movie with me and my dad?"

There was a pause. "Sure," the dead man chuckled.

The odd trio- plus Para-Para -walked onward to the movie theater.

Their story could go anywhere from there. They could live happily ever after, or perhaps not. Maybe life could go on as normal, or it could be changed forever. Maybe the clerk at the movies would need to be threatened at gunpoint to let Paradox into the theater. But right then, everything was good in the world.


End file.
